Oh well hi! I’ve been thinking about films lately and how I always seem to miss out on all the good ones, so I thought I might take a trip to the cinema next time a trailer catches my eye… and then I realised two things: 1) I don’t often watch ‘normal’ TV so it’s very rare that I have to sit through adverts which contain the movie trailers… so I have no idea what’s out and 2) I hate the cinema. I think the last movie I saw in the cinema was the Avengers… in which I fell asleep half way through. Now THAT tells you something.

You have to sell a kidney to afford a ticket

Okay maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but you have to admit that it’s not exactly a cheap night out. When did it get that pricey?! I remember when I was younger I could easily buy two tickets and something to eat and drink for less than £10… And what happened to ‘Orange Wednesdays’? I haven’t been for so long I have no clue what they charge per person now, but trying to sell an organ might not be such a bad idea – especially if you’ve got your eye on those tempting snacks.

My nipples could cut glass

You’ve charged me a bomb to get in here so don’t you dare try and say that you can’t afford the heating bill. I’m freezing. And you put an entire ice cap in my 7UP so not only do I have goose pimples but my insides have turned to ice and solidified too. I run a bit chilly anyway, but when I used to go to the cinema I always had to take extra layers. Even in summer. I don’t know if they whack up the air con because they figure there’s a lot of body heat, but I sure wish they wouldn’t.

Thanks, I now have tinnitus

I know the film is projected onto a huge screen so everyone can see it but you don’t have to turn up the sound too. I understand that it has to be loud enough for people to be able to hear it over all the munching and chattering, but let’s not push it – I can’t hear myself think. When you can hear the actors breathing over your own you know you’re definitely going to have hearing damage.

An interval, please?

This is why Netflix wins over the cinema. When you’re watching a film in your own home, you’re free to pause it when you wish, have a wander around, and then come back. But in the cinema you just have to sit there for two hours. Sure you can take a break if you want, but it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll miss a really important and/or funny bit. Even if I’m really enjoying the film, a little part of me hopes that it will end soon just so I can try and get the feeling back in my buttocks.

I’ve forgotten how to human

I’ve been in that damned room and in that damned chair for so long I don’t think I can remember how to walk. And I’ve got all those steps to tackle. As well as a crowd. And why is everything so quiet now? Why are you whispering to me? I’m not shouting, am I? Why is it so bright and why is there popcorn in my hair? Whatever, I’ve forgotten what I just watched anyway.

No film is worth going through all of that. I used to be obsessed with Twilight back in the day and went to see all of them in the cinema, but even then I wanted it to end just because I was so uncomfortable! I can’t be the only one surely? However if I had access to a cinema like this:

or this…

…I’m sure it’d be a very different story. I’d probably be making weekly trips to the cinema! I’ve seen some that have beds instead of seats… Do you change the sheets inbetween viewings? Has anyone… yano… ‘done it’ on here? And there’s a high chance I’m going to fall asleep. I think beds are definitely going a bit far!




  1. Kaily says:

    Oh man those are neat set ups! If I win the lottery I’ll set up my own cinema in my house lol just so I get all the perks and then I can do whatever I want! OMG, dying @my nipples could cut glass! It’s so true!

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